Grieving is a part of Leadership

I tend to think that the image of the STRONG LEADER, one who rarely or ever shows emotion, is still the standard most of us think of or aspire to (even unconsciously) in today's world.  Our society still seems to expect our leaders to be strong regardless of adversity or setbacks or changes - and perhaps to be even stronger than normal during those times.  But is that image a desirable state to strive for and emulate?  Is it even a correct assessment of reality?  Is it good for us as leaders?

In talking about grieving as a leader I'm not thinking of death and dying in the literal sense.  In this blog I've previously talked about leading through tragedy and since that entry we have had another example in the form of Newtown.  My focus is rather on the losses we experience in leadership that take on other forms - the failure of an initiative we have invested in and led, the loss of a team member or colleague to another portfolio or organization, a failure in gaining a promotion, a change in our leadership role or status (either voluntary or involuntary).  Regardless of the circumstances in question, as leaders we have experienced loss.  If we were truly committed to the success of a particular initiative or role, or if we have come to heavily rely on a peer or colleague who moves on, and whether we recognize it or not, we have grieved that loss.

I've certainly been in these types of situations.  I can recall vividly the challenge of making a voluntary change in my career and the impact that leaving "my team" had on me at the time.  Even though my time as leader was relatively short - just under three years - we had gone through some real forming, storming, norming and performing.  We were an extraordinarily young management team (average age in the early 30's) who had faced up to some pretty significant challenges - budget cuts, facility closures, divided Board of Directors.  We had a fantastic dynamic about us and the courage (or foolishness) to never say no and never say die.  We accomplished great things and were held up as a model for others to emulate.  When I made the choice to leave it was one of the most difficult career choices I had made up to that point in time and I cried as I told my team of my decision to leave.  I grieved the loss of my team immediately.  My grief was subsequently made worse when my employer chose not to hire a successor from within the organization, one that I thought would have continued to build the culture of energy, innovation and creativity we had established.  Soon thereafter the rest of the team began to disperse to other opportunities.  Something extraordinary had been lost.

I've also experienced loss in circumstances that were not entirely of my choosing.  Those scenarios are perhaps even more challenging than the one I have just described.  I'd made significant emotional investments in the organization, a role, a way of being and then it was no longer part of my day-to-day reality.  And if you are like most leaders I have known and worked with you'll know that my role was not a simple 9 to 5 position, 5 days a week - when we commit we REALLY commit!  Even the knowledge that change was coming didn't necessarily soften the impact when it came.  At the time - and with my direct reports - I certainly managed or masked my sadness well.  And there certainly was a lot of stress leading up to the moment of decision.  It was really only almost a year after the fact that it hit home with me how much I had been grieving the loss of the role, my team and what we had created over a great many years.

It wasn't until I was going through recent educational upgrading that I came to understand the depth of the grieving I had been going through over a great number of months.  The understanding came through a series of self-administered questions and work with a small group of peers.  The questions and discussions were fine enough until the conversation turned to issues of closure, and acknowledgement, and unfinished business.  Some simple questions and some conversations made me realize where I was in my journey.  More importantly, they started to give me some awareness of how the past and perhaps the lack of truly dealing with my grief was holding me back in moving forward in another chapter of my leadership.  While I had certainly put my head down and got busy in "new work" I had clearly not accepted the change to the extent required, nor had I achieved closure.  It was quite the amazing discovery for someone who had prided themselves on being the strong leader and one who has always been adept at keeping his nose to the grindstone - keep calm and carry on!

So maybe this is a lesson that you've already learned.  Maybe I'm not telling you something you don't already know from the ups and downs of your career.  But then again maybe you haven't been doing enough of your own internal assessment and workup after your losses.  So my recommendation to you through times of change and loss is to be conscious of what you may have lost, take the appropriate time to recognize that loss, use your personal network and colleagues as sounding board, and take value from the work you have done.  Your leadership will be strengthened as a result.

For myself, I don't expect to fully accept or like all the changes I've gone through, to not carry some scars for having lost something valuable.  However, it is clear that all these events and how I have been able to learn from them have made me the leader I am and will help shape me as the leader I continue to aspire to be. 
______________________________

Greg Hadubiak, MHSA, FACHE, CEC, PCC
TEC Canada Chair/Executive Coach/Senior Consultant
hadubiak@wmc.ca

Helping leaders realize their strengths and enabling organizations to achieve their potential through the application of my leadership experience and coaching skills. I act as a point of leverage for my clients. I AM their Force Multiplier.