Can you be a Leader and a Friend?

In the Star Trek The Next Generation episode, titled "The Defector", Commander Data acts out a scene from "The Life of Henry V" on the holodeck of the Enterprise.  The notion is that by exploring the works of Shakespeare he will be better able to understand the human condition.  Data's director and mentor in this endeavor is Captain Picard.  The scene in particular focuses on the King passing himself off as a commoner to be amongst his troops on the eve of a great battle.  At the conclusion of this particular dress rehearsal, Data expresses confusion about the King's behavior - "Captain, why should a king wish to pass as a commoner? If he is the leader, should he not be leading?"  In that regard it seems to me that Data expresses a widely-held view amongst not just followers but also amongst those who lead - leaders must stand apart and perhaps even be aloof if they are to be effective.  Picard's response is even more compelling, however -  "Listen to what Shakespeare is telling you about the man, Data. A king who had a true feeling for his soldiers would wish to share their fears with them on the eve of battle."

From my very first job as a CEO in 1986 I can recall being chided for being overly familiar with my management team and my staff.  Many in my community, my Boards of Directors, and even members of my own management team would often express concern about my engaging manner and style.  They took issue with me playing golf with my staff, being part of the hospital slo-pitch team, being part of the hospital hockey team, inviting people over to my house and even the notion of idle chats in the hall or sit downs in the cafeteria.  In many if not most cases, we didn't discuss "business" but rather would discuss a whole range of other topics - new stories hitting the front pages, family events, and anything else that might come to mind.  Did that make us friends.  In some cases yes, in other cases no.  Regardless, this type of interaction certainly broke down barriers and reduced or eliminated preconceived notions about "Management" and "Staff".  I believe the relationships I developed allowed me to better understand the challenges my staff and my organizations faced.  I even ultimately developed some great relationships with previously intractable foes.  This effort certainly generated greater trust and credibility in me from those that I led.  Ultimately, it allowed all of us to be more on the same page moving forward particularly when times were tough.

Amazingly enough, even though nearly 30 years have passed since my first leadership role (Yikes!) I still hear about and see the same adverse reaction to leaders having anything more than "business-focused" engagements with their staff.  Often times this means executive isolation in the C-suite or a strict adherence to rules and regulations so as to not have the appearance of favoritism.   But as Picard's quote reveals, there is a great deal that a leader can gain from being amongst and with his staff.  Moreover, what the quote also starts to touch on is the critical role that trust between leader and followers plays in being successful in a leadership role.  If you can inspire trust as a leader you are in fact going to get better results, increased morale, enhanced creativity, loyalty and retention.  In contrast if you can't foster trust - or in fact engender mistrust amongst your staff - you can be assured of a range of negative results. 

In case you see the above commentary as the rantings of Star-Trek enamored geek let me first refer you to the 2002 work of Patrick Lencioni, "The Five Dysfunctions of a Team".  In this work and in subsequent writings, Lencioni described and expanded upon what holds a team back from achieving high performance.  The critical linchpin that Lencioni identified - which was the core and base of poor performance and team dysfunction - was the Absence of Trust.  This manifested as an unwillingness of team members to be vulnerable and authentic in their group, unable to genuinely share with their colleagues, and lacking the opportunity and safe environment in which to admit mistakes and weaknesses.  Without a strong basis of trust, teams could hope to engage in constructive conflict, achieve shared commitment to goals, hold themselves and team members accountable for performance, and never achieve the results that they desired.  In all respects developing this trust comes from the tone set by the leader.

This concept of trust, however, is not new or a recent invention.  Starting in 1983, Kouzes and Posner began a research project in leadership that would ultimately lead them to write several acclaimed books ("The Leadership Challenge", "Credibility") and identifying the five leadership practices of successful leaders.  At the heart of their research and conclusions was that a leader must know their followers and speak their language.  People must believe that you understand their needs and have their interests at heart.  Only through an intimate knowledge of their dreams, their hopes, their aspirations, their visions, their values is the leader able to enlist their support.  I don't know about you, but it seems to be a well nigh impossible task to achieve that kind of understanding of your staff and followers if you don't spend significant time with them, earning their trust, building your credibility, and perhaps even becoming a friend to more than one or two of them. 

Let me put at least one qualifier out there on this leader and friend concept.  You are the leader - whether as supervisor, manager, director, vice-president or CEO.  This means you have duties and obligations that may put your friendships in jeopardy at certain points in time.  You are obligated to make the tough choices as required.  Ultimately, you can't put your friendships ahead of your moral, legal and ethical obligations.  Everybody needs to understand the parameters under which you ultimately have to function as a leader.  Just as in other parts of your world, some of your friends will be more understanding of the realities that you face than others.  Hopefully, however, based on the foundation of trust and credibility you have established by being present, available and truly engaged with your staff you may get cut a bit more slack than if you were the aloof, distant and omnipotent leader that some see as the pinnacle of success.

So, yes being a Leader and a Friend is possible and from my perspective and experience quite logical (as Commander Data and Commander Spock might both say).  Build your trust and credibility by being amongst your followers, understand their challenges and let them understand yours.  The results might surprise you. 

A footnote:  I have a confession to make.  I've taken this concept of friendship at least one step further in my career.  I met my wife through my work.  Being that I was a member of the senior leadership team in my organization and she was a front-line supervisor in the same organization you can imagine the gnashing of teeth and the pulling of hair that ensued.  Both of us thought long and hard about exploring a relationship and I went so far as to consult with Human Resources and my Ethics resource.  The relationship did in fact proceed and turned into the love of my life.  More to the point of this entry there were many issues to navigate in respect of ensuring clear separation of decision-making and considerations of "friendship".  However, I will say with strong conviction, that my leadership benefited enormously by the perspective that my supervisor-wife brought to me.  She was able to clearly tell me when our stated organizational values failed to translate to the frontlines.  She was able to clearly tell me when senior leadership was on the mark or out-of-touch with reality.  We clearly had a mutual trust and friendship that I leaned on while we worked together and she helped me be a better leader.  
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Greg Hadubiak, MHSA, FACHE, CEC, PCC
TEC Canada Chair/Executive Coach/Senior Consultant
hadubiak@wmc.ca

Helping leaders realize their strengths and enabling organizations to achieve their potential through the application of my leadership experience and coaching skills. I act as a point of leverage for my clients. I AM their Force Multiplier.