The Power of the Past

This week's post was crafted in New Orleans.  The Big Easy.  My time here began this past Friday (Jan 23, 2015) and will end this coming Tuesday (Jan 27, 2015).  I'm in the midst of the 2015 International Chair Development Workshop.  Over 500 Vistage and TEC chairs from around the world have gathered for this 4-day event to learn, share best practices and network.  This was my first such event as a relatively new TEC Canada Chair (www.tec-canada.com).

However, if we go back several months I previously decided not to come to this event.  There were a number of reasons I had offered myself and others for not considering attendance - not having yet formally launched my TEC group, feeling guilty about more time away from family, and being busy with a variety of coaching and consulting engagements.  It wasn't until my rubber arm was twisted by TEC Canada head office in early November that I finally relented and registered myself for this event.

The confirmation didn't alleviate my anxiety about coming to New Orleans.  Rather as the date for departure got closer I became more anxious.  Only in the last couple of weeks before arrival did I finally - and maybe reluctantly - identify the underlying reason for my hesitance to return to New Orleans for indeed I had been in New Orleans once before.  In March 2007 - nearly 8 years ago - I had come to the Big Easy to convocate as a Fellow in the American College of Healthcare Executives.  This was to be a formal cap and gown ceremony and all-around big deal.  My wife and I decided that she and our then 6-year old daughter would stay home as the very next week we were heading out to Disney World for a family vacation.  Too much travel and too much missed school.

So began my few days away in New Orleans.  A time when I should have been celebrating a significant achievement in my healthcare leadership career.  Instead these days would ultimately prove to be the worst of my life.

The challenges started early.  Upon arrival I misplaced my portfolio which also contained my passport.  Not a great thing to do on your first day away and with a family vacation set to take place the very next week.  So began an agonizing 24 hours in New Orleans.  The next day, while waiting on any news of my passport's whereabouts, I went down to take in a scheduled learning seminar.  As it turned out, the scheduled speaker was prevented from attending as they were snowed-in back in Boston.  With the learning session pre-empted I took advantage of the free time to head back to the airport where I was miraculously reunited with my portfolio and passport!  Things were looking up.

Passport back in hand, I could relax and now had free time to take in the city sights.  Later in the day, I acted upon a recommendation of the hotel concierge and had dinner accompanied by an amazing jazz performance.  That's where phase two of my misfortune kicked in - food poisoning.  My illness was significant and persistent.  So much so that, despite my best efforts to battle through, I actually pulled myself out of the convocation procession line perhaps minutes away from being recognized by my peers for my professional achievement.  All that I was confident of at that time was that if I decided to keep on walking - or even standing - I would probably pass out near or on the stage.  I went back to my room and passed out for the rest of the day.

The next day, I packed up in a relatively depressed state of mind expecting and hoping that my troubles were behind me.  As events would soon prove out I should have been more cognizant of the saying "bad things come in threes".  I phoned my wife early that morning from my hotel indicating that I was on my way home and that I would call her later when I made my connection in Denver.  When I did so, I got no answer and something made my spider sense tingle.  After several more calls, allowing for any number of valid reasons why she might not pick up, I got more concerned and called two friends to head over and check things out.  My worst possible fears were confirmed within fifteen minutes.  My wife of nearly 13 years was found dead.  I got on my connecting flight from Denver with the knowledge that the life had I led just hours before had irrevocably changed.

Why do I tell you this story?  It's not to gain sympathy or compassion.  Rather I draw you back to my undefined anxiety and reluctance to return to New Orleans nearly 8 years after my wife's death.  I believe my grieving to be over.  In truth it probably took me well over a year to recover and restructure my life - and start to become a better father to my daughter.  Yet what I failed to recognize was how much power this past event still had over my life to this day.  What was that power?  If not grief, what?  My answer - a return to New Orleans was a return to a time of what I still see as a personal and tragic failure on my part.  I failed to save my wife's life.  And when my 6-year old daughter asked me on that day, "Where's mom?", I had to acknowledge that I had failed to save her mother's life as well.

I had failed and it was this sense of failure that I still carried with me 8 years later.

Why do I tell you this story?  So that you can take at least this lesson away with you.  Recognize, appreciate and come to terms with your past "failings" (real or perceived) so that they do not paralyze you from moving forward.  It's clear to me now that I've carried a significant burden for the past 8 years.  In many respects I've moved on - married again to an outstanding, talented and beautiful woman with whom I have brought two more beautiful and spirited girls into the world.  However, it's equally clear from the feelings dredged up in the past months that I have not yet forgiven myself for something that I truly had no control over.  Ask yourself (as I did not) if you have truly failed, if you have garnered the right lessons from these past events and, most importantly, how can you move forward unencumbered (and perhaps even strengthened) by the past?

Each of us in our leadership - and life - journey have had failings perceived or real.  To show true leadership we should objectively and courageously examine and learn from these events.  As leaders we often don't but instead feel that we are tasked with carrying on despite setbacks, showing a stiff upper lip to our followers, convincing them through our mask of strength and confidence that all will be fine.  I did just that in my time of loss, returning to work a mere two weeks after my wife's death.  I buried myself back into work hoping to hide my pain in work.  Ultimately, I have to ask myself how much better off could I have been with opening up to others at that time, demonstrating my vulnerability and getting help to objectively assessing my "failure".

Maybe I could have spent the last number of years in a better state of mind.  Perhaps I could have achieved even more for myself, my daughter and those around me if I had come to grips with my "failure" earlier than today.

Assess your reality and your past objectively and with courage.  Don't let your fears, partial learnings, incorrect assumptions, or other demons prevent you from moving forward positively into the future.  You deserve better, can achieve so much more, and will be a better leader for it.  Don't be paralyzed by the past.  Break the chains.  Move forward to be the person and leader you are.
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Greg Hadubiak, MHSA, FACHE, CEC, PCC
TEC Canada Chair/Executive Coach/Senior Consultant
hadubiak@wmc.ca

Helping leaders realize their strengths and enabling organizations to achieve their potential through the application of my leadership experience and coaching skills. I act as a point of leverage for my clients. I AM their Force Multiplier.